Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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