Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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