She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
