I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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