dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
