All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
