i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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