if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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