Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Randomize
