She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
