haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize