I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
