Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
