Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
