He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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