you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
