dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
