OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
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Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
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Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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