I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
