She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
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I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.