I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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