i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
