How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
