I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
