Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
