Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
