I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
