Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
