Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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