saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Define "chronic" masturbator.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
