Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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