I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Im part way to drunk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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