u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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