I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
