If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
