Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
