Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
