Plan B is the new Plan A
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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