I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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