My room smells like vodka and shame
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
