He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
