two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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