Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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