last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
