just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
