I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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