Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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