I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
