p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
