at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
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