Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
