i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
