shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
