On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
