So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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