She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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