I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
